If you’re a food blogger, you will know what I mean when I say the hunt. For buying fruit is no longer just buying fruit; it’s hunting for the perfect specimen. Afterall, we don’t just eat this fruit: we use our divine magic to turn it into perfection; we build a shrine for it in which to photograph it; we tell a story about. We, for a brief moment in our lives, devote our entire being to this one small, perfectly alizarin crimson, blemish-free, delightfully plump cherry.
How To Hunt for the Perfect Produce:
Step One: Find the most expensive, organic only grocery store in your area. Everyone knows a $4 apple is better than one that costs a few cents.
Step Two: Upon arriving at said store, make your presence known by pulling out your organized-by-store-layout grocery list, your $10 Guatemalan-tribe-made canvas bags, and leave those Channel sun glasses proudly over your eyes – no need to let the peons make eye contact with you; they’re probably just here for the organic cheese puffs.
Step Three: Go straight to the produce in question. There is no time to dilly dally around that delicious out of season pineapple.
Step Four: Make your frustration known by tapping intensely (but politely) on your cart while you wait for the non food bloggers to rummage through your fruit. Don’t they know who you are?
Step Five: Once the crowd has cleared, position your cart as a natural blockade to give yourself some privacy while inspecting the fruit.
Step Six: Spend at least one full minute simply admiring the fruit. You must find the section of the display with the most pristine fruit.
Step Seven: Pick up a piece of fruit.
Step Eight: Set it down.
Step Nine: Pick up another piece of fruit.
Step Ten: Turn it slightly.
Step Eleven: Set it down.
Step Twelve: Pick up a piece of fruit.
Step Thirteen: Smell the skin. This is an important step. No one knows why but it is. It will also tell people you mean business.
Step Fourteen: Knock on the fruit. Everyone knows what a perfectly ripe melon sounds like. Right?
Step Fifteen: Turn it over and check the pit. Feel the pit. Rub the pit. Stick your tongue to the pit. Okay, just kidding about that last part.
Step Sixteen: Sigh.
Step Seventeen: Find the produce manager and ask him to show you the remaining stock from the back. Everyone knows the best products are always hidden away.
Step Eighteen: Argue with the produce manager when he tells you he’s not allowed to bring the stock from the back out.
Step Nineteen: Return to the fruit stand. Look it over once more.
Step Twenty: Sigh.
Step Twenty-One: Glance at the line of people trying to get to the fruit.
Step Twenty-Two: Decide this fruit is not worthy and move on to another section of fruit. Repeat steps three through twenty-one until you find the perfect fruit.